Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Soul Mate
In 2 days my husband and I will be celebrating our 10-year anniversary, an entire decade we have spent as man and wife. It has been 10 years of love, laughter, deep struggles, grace, forgiveness, and amazing blessings. God knew exactly what He was doing when He paired us up in the Central American jungle. I needed a man who would love, protect, fight for me and ground me, balance my passions with his stability. He needed a woman who would help him soar, encourage him and stand beside him while he discovered and pursued his dreams. We each needed someone to believe in us and be our quiet strengths during times we struggled to stand on our own. We need someone to help us discover exactly who God created each of us to be.
Over the years I have seen my husband grow into a true man, a man of faith and strength. He's become a warrior who's lived through combat....and a daddy who has held each of our tiny babies against his strong chest. He's worked through blood, sweat, and tears, and company drama to provide for our family. He's been a man of honor and integrity. I am so proud of who he has become in the past 10 years. I am so proud to be standing by his side.
Don't get me wrong, we drive each other nuts at times. We have had our share of struggles and sorrows. We've seen each other at our very worst. There have been times we didn't know if we would make it. But God had a plan. We both believe in something bigger and greater than ourselves. If we did not I wouldn't be at peace with him out there in the night with a bullet-proof vest and a gun strapped to his side, and he wouldn't be loving it so much. : )
I love that man still. Not the puppy love feelings that you can't live without them (though I still have those) and have to spend every waking moment with them. I love that man as in I waited 5 months for him while he went through basic training. I waited a year for him to come home from war, praying every day he comes home alive. I will wait 3 more months while he goes to law enforcement academy while taking care of our 3 kids. I love that man as in I have resigned myself to just follow him around the house turning off all the lights he leaves on when he leaves the room instead of nagging at him anymore to turn them off. I love him as in when he comes home with that look I do not ask questions, but hand him the plate of food I saved back for him from dinner and say a silent prayer. I love him by trying to dress modestly and teaching our children to be respectful to him (ok I need to work on that more and not fuss at him in front of the 2-yr-old). I love him, maybe imperfectly at times, but I love him. He makes me a better person and the safest place in the world to me is in his arms. I love him.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Honey Vanilla Chamomille Tea
I'm sitting in the kitchen by myself at almost 11pm. I just got everyone to bed and should be there myself, but I am enjoying a moment to breathe....I would say think, but I am almost too tired to think. I am drinking my honey vanilla chamomille tea with extra honey from the Amish neighbors and organic french vanilla half and half paired with my Ezekiel bread toast with raw butter and organic blueberry jelly.
Yea, I get particular about those little things. This little routine of mine lets me feel like I have a tiny bit of control in my life and is a comforting oasis in the midst of the chaos that resides in a house with 3 small children. It reminds me why it is important to Warrior to have a bedtime routine and why she sometimes has to do things a certain way in a certain order. We just need one thing that is familiar and constant that helps soothe our raging hearts and roaring minds.
Really this is just a poor earthly substitute for what we really need to fill the void and still our souls and give our bones the strength to bear us up every day because my bones, my soul, my entire being can get weary and overwhelmed from not only bearing myself, but those 3 small children who I have been charged with nurturing and molding into healthy adults who can thrive in this world while being in it, but not being of it. At the end of the day my muscles ache from bearing my children in my arms- for safety, for sustenance, for soothing tradgedies and tantrums. My heart aches from bearing the hopes and dreams and fears and the mocking limitations of my abilities that never seem to come close to my desperate desires. Then, what I really need is not just my perfect cup of tea, but my perfect Savior to just wrap me up in His arms and be my all. I just need His love, to acknowledge it and drink it in while savoring the sweet aroma of knowing that to Him I am ENOUGH and for me He is.......ENOUGH.
Yea, I get particular about those little things. This little routine of mine lets me feel like I have a tiny bit of control in my life and is a comforting oasis in the midst of the chaos that resides in a house with 3 small children. It reminds me why it is important to Warrior to have a bedtime routine and why she sometimes has to do things a certain way in a certain order. We just need one thing that is familiar and constant that helps soothe our raging hearts and roaring minds.
Really this is just a poor earthly substitute for what we really need to fill the void and still our souls and give our bones the strength to bear us up every day because my bones, my soul, my entire being can get weary and overwhelmed from not only bearing myself, but those 3 small children who I have been charged with nurturing and molding into healthy adults who can thrive in this world while being in it, but not being of it. At the end of the day my muscles ache from bearing my children in my arms- for safety, for sustenance, for soothing tradgedies and tantrums. My heart aches from bearing the hopes and dreams and fears and the mocking limitations of my abilities that never seem to come close to my desperate desires. Then, what I really need is not just my perfect cup of tea, but my perfect Savior to just wrap me up in His arms and be my all. I just need His love, to acknowledge it and drink it in while savoring the sweet aroma of knowing that to Him I am ENOUGH and for me He is.......ENOUGH.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Permission
There is something about having a 2-yr-old that changes a person. Perhaps it is their uncanny ability to fillet your heart down to your deepest and rawest emotions- and leave exposed and quivering, not only your very last nerve, but your fears, your hopes, your dreams. Your pour your love into them like water into their hands and sometimes they can hold onto it briefly and marvel at it's lovliness and other times they wail as it seems to slip through their fingers...and you never know which it will be.
I struggle a lot with mommy guilt, especially with Warrior and the last 2 years we have had. The first year of her life her daddy was deployed overseas. We were all under a lot of stress and I was not always a graceful parent. The second year we were surprised to become pregnant again- with twins! It was a very difficult pregnancy with me in and out of the hospital and ending with the babies arriving 6 weeks early and spending a month in the NICU. She hardly had her mother at all and then when I did finally come home I brought two new babies with me.
It has been pretty hectic here ever since and all that is hard for a 2-yr-old to take in. Besides the fact that she is sooooo much like me in personality. Wow. Yea. Key strong-willed child; that's both of us. We are both intense. Then there is the fact that she is 2 which in itself comes with so many challenges...and joys. Whatever you do, don't forget the joys.
That girl is so smart, funny, loving, nurturing, just plain beautiful. If we read a book and someone falls or gets hurt in it, then we both have to hug the book and kiss their injuries. She loves to go shopping so that she can holler at everyone we go by until they say hi back to her and she always zeros in on the elderly, lonely and miserable looking, anyone her little soul senses needs to be pursued and persuaded to smile at a little girl. Someone once asked me if it bothered me if someone I don't know talks to my child (they were referencing an elderly couple in a restaurant). My response was something to the fact that (if I am right there and it is safe- and trust me, I'm teaching her what is safe and ok and what is not then) how can I not let my child bless another?
Sometimes I have to give her permission to be a blessing. I have to give her permission to be 2. I have to understand God has given her certain gifts and she has to learn how to use them and share them and sometimes she is overwhelmed with the desire to do so and I must know when not to quench that in her heart. I have to understand she needs to explore and experiement and sometimes that will be a mess, an inconvenience, or a downright disaster. I have to understand that she does not always understand or have the verbal skills to process and explain all her emotions- thus tantrums sometimes. I have to understand she is LEARNING how the world works, how relationships work, how my ink pens work so she has to take them all apart and bend them and lose the springs. I put them up above her reach, but somehow she has a bloodhound's scense and go go gadget arms for things she is not supposed to have. Have I mentioned she also has superb problem solving skills? That kid figured out how to push objects and climb on top of the kitchen counters before she was even walking.
When I do give her that permission to be- be a blessing, be 2, be a warrior poet....you can almost feel her spirit breathe a sigh of relief. I take time to redirect her attention from things she isn't supposed to be getting into, to explain how things work, to give her a few choices, and let her do some things herself and I find at the end of the day she is full of snuggles and kisses, and content to melt into my arms and relax and go to sleep. I find that I had more patience when I altered my expectations. I did not smash that glimmer of hope and wonder in her eye into a hard and defiant anger with words and actions of hot frustration.
I also have to give myself permission...and grace. I'm not perfect and I will fail at times, but that does not make me a failure of a mother. I read where Lisa Welchel said, "If I were a perfect parent, then my children would have no need for God." So.True. When I give myself permission to be ____ (you fill in the blank), that alters my expectations to something more realistic, which in turn lowers my frustration level and raises my breaking point so that I am not wailing when it seems like my desires are slipping through my fingers like water. :-)
I struggle a lot with mommy guilt, especially with Warrior and the last 2 years we have had. The first year of her life her daddy was deployed overseas. We were all under a lot of stress and I was not always a graceful parent. The second year we were surprised to become pregnant again- with twins! It was a very difficult pregnancy with me in and out of the hospital and ending with the babies arriving 6 weeks early and spending a month in the NICU. She hardly had her mother at all and then when I did finally come home I brought two new babies with me.
It has been pretty hectic here ever since and all that is hard for a 2-yr-old to take in. Besides the fact that she is sooooo much like me in personality. Wow. Yea. Key strong-willed child; that's both of us. We are both intense. Then there is the fact that she is 2 which in itself comes with so many challenges...and joys. Whatever you do, don't forget the joys.
That girl is so smart, funny, loving, nurturing, just plain beautiful. If we read a book and someone falls or gets hurt in it, then we both have to hug the book and kiss their injuries. She loves to go shopping so that she can holler at everyone we go by until they say hi back to her and she always zeros in on the elderly, lonely and miserable looking, anyone her little soul senses needs to be pursued and persuaded to smile at a little girl. Someone once asked me if it bothered me if someone I don't know talks to my child (they were referencing an elderly couple in a restaurant). My response was something to the fact that (if I am right there and it is safe- and trust me, I'm teaching her what is safe and ok and what is not then) how can I not let my child bless another?
Sometimes I have to give her permission to be a blessing. I have to give her permission to be 2. I have to understand God has given her certain gifts and she has to learn how to use them and share them and sometimes she is overwhelmed with the desire to do so and I must know when not to quench that in her heart. I have to understand she needs to explore and experiement and sometimes that will be a mess, an inconvenience, or a downright disaster. I have to understand that she does not always understand or have the verbal skills to process and explain all her emotions- thus tantrums sometimes. I have to understand she is LEARNING how the world works, how relationships work, how my ink pens work so she has to take them all apart and bend them and lose the springs. I put them up above her reach, but somehow she has a bloodhound's scense and go go gadget arms for things she is not supposed to have. Have I mentioned she also has superb problem solving skills? That kid figured out how to push objects and climb on top of the kitchen counters before she was even walking.
When I do give her that permission to be- be a blessing, be 2, be a warrior poet....you can almost feel her spirit breathe a sigh of relief. I take time to redirect her attention from things she isn't supposed to be getting into, to explain how things work, to give her a few choices, and let her do some things herself and I find at the end of the day she is full of snuggles and kisses, and content to melt into my arms and relax and go to sleep. I find that I had more patience when I altered my expectations. I did not smash that glimmer of hope and wonder in her eye into a hard and defiant anger with words and actions of hot frustration.
I also have to give myself permission...and grace. I'm not perfect and I will fail at times, but that does not make me a failure of a mother. I read where Lisa Welchel said, "If I were a perfect parent, then my children would have no need for God." So.True. When I give myself permission to be ____ (you fill in the blank), that alters my expectations to something more realistic, which in turn lowers my frustration level and raises my breaking point so that I am not wailing when it seems like my desires are slipping through my fingers like water. :-)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Imposter and a Birth Story
I have PPD (post partum depression). It's not something people talk about a lot, but I am not ashamed. It's legit. I had a very very difficult pregnancy with the twins, Salvation and Light. I was in and out of the hospital the entire time, had a PICC line for 2 1/2 months, on bedrest for several weeks, and was in labor in the hospital for a week and a half before I had them at 34 weeks and 5 days. I would like to point out I delivered them both naturally and completely medicine free- not because I think that makes me better than anyone else, but because that is the one thing I fought so hard for and actually accomplished during that pregnancy. Then we spent a month in the NICU. It was HARD.
Most of the time in the NICU was spent with the babies learning to breastfeed. Every 3 hours I would be wheeled or walk down to the NICU and try to feed them both, go back to my room and pump to try and get my milk in, and then try to rest, but by the time I got everything done it was almost time to start again. Then I got discharged and we had no where to stay because we lived 2 hours away so we opted to send one baby up to a different bay of the NICU where they had fold out couches and a bathroom and shower in the room and I stayed with them up there. My treck became a 1/4 mile walk with a set of stairs between floors. Any sleep was always interrupted with alarms going off and moitors beeping and my babies stirring. I thought I was going to die from exhaustion. Finally we got both babies up on the same floor and then we got a twin room and from there we began to make it work.
All the while my heart was so torn in two between my babies in the hospital and my 2-yr-old at home who went over a month without her mommy besides a few hospital visits and I came home for a couple days when I got sick. That was on top of me being so sick the entire pregnancy I was hardly ever able to take care of her. Thank God for my parents who live across from us and took care of her. Talk about guilt, helplessness...utter exhaustion...and not just me. My husband would travel from home to work to the hospital. He would take care of our daughter and then come and stay with me and the babies.
So believe me, I know it's legit because on top of all that is the crazy, insane hormone drop after delivering TWO babies. You know what, though? Even if a woman has a perfect pregnancy and all is going well- it's still legit. It happens...to a lot of women and you shouldn't be ashamed.
I did not realize I had PPD at first. I guess I just thought I was exhausted and going crazy. When the twins were about 2 months old I really started noticing symptoms (they are 4 months now). It was beyond the exhaustion of taking care of and breastfeeding newborn twins. I was feeling depressed, very irritable and cranky, snapping at my kids and husband. I wasn't me. When I got to the point where I had some self harm thoughts I realized the seriousness and sought help. I let my family know what was going on and they surrounded me with a great support system.
I am being treated homeopathically, which made me fall in love with the medical art that is rooted in compassion. One drop of a remedy fine tuned to me and my body, mind, and my emotional and makeup and after a few days I was a fully functioning person again, patient with my 2-yr-old and more loving to my family. I was able to cook and clean some again. Everyone around me seemed to breath a sigh of relief. : ) We are still working on exactly how much I need. I do fabulous until I get dehydrated and overly exhausted from a road trip or something and then we have to tweak things a little. Right now we are working on it again because of said road trip that wore me down too much.
I am thankful to God for being with us every step of the way and for givings us two more healthy and beautiful children- you would hardly know they were preemies. I am so thankful for my family, friends, and neighbors who all pitched in to help us. I am thankful for a very patient, hardworking husband who is a great provider and daddy and loves me and our children. He stands beside me through it all. I am thankful for my parents who are constantly helping me with the kids and have sacrificed so much for us. I am thankful for a precious doctor who really cares about me. I am thankful that I got help and I am not ashamed in that because I want to be a fully functioning person. I want to be the best wife and mom that I can be and right now this is what it takes and that is okay.
Most of the time in the NICU was spent with the babies learning to breastfeed. Every 3 hours I would be wheeled or walk down to the NICU and try to feed them both, go back to my room and pump to try and get my milk in, and then try to rest, but by the time I got everything done it was almost time to start again. Then I got discharged and we had no where to stay because we lived 2 hours away so we opted to send one baby up to a different bay of the NICU where they had fold out couches and a bathroom and shower in the room and I stayed with them up there. My treck became a 1/4 mile walk with a set of stairs between floors. Any sleep was always interrupted with alarms going off and moitors beeping and my babies stirring. I thought I was going to die from exhaustion. Finally we got both babies up on the same floor and then we got a twin room and from there we began to make it work.
All the while my heart was so torn in two between my babies in the hospital and my 2-yr-old at home who went over a month without her mommy besides a few hospital visits and I came home for a couple days when I got sick. That was on top of me being so sick the entire pregnancy I was hardly ever able to take care of her. Thank God for my parents who live across from us and took care of her. Talk about guilt, helplessness...utter exhaustion...and not just me. My husband would travel from home to work to the hospital. He would take care of our daughter and then come and stay with me and the babies.
So believe me, I know it's legit because on top of all that is the crazy, insane hormone drop after delivering TWO babies. You know what, though? Even if a woman has a perfect pregnancy and all is going well- it's still legit. It happens...to a lot of women and you shouldn't be ashamed.
I did not realize I had PPD at first. I guess I just thought I was exhausted and going crazy. When the twins were about 2 months old I really started noticing symptoms (they are 4 months now). It was beyond the exhaustion of taking care of and breastfeeding newborn twins. I was feeling depressed, very irritable and cranky, snapping at my kids and husband. I wasn't me. When I got to the point where I had some self harm thoughts I realized the seriousness and sought help. I let my family know what was going on and they surrounded me with a great support system.
I am being treated homeopathically, which made me fall in love with the medical art that is rooted in compassion. One drop of a remedy fine tuned to me and my body, mind, and my emotional and makeup and after a few days I was a fully functioning person again, patient with my 2-yr-old and more loving to my family. I was able to cook and clean some again. Everyone around me seemed to breath a sigh of relief. : ) We are still working on exactly how much I need. I do fabulous until I get dehydrated and overly exhausted from a road trip or something and then we have to tweak things a little. Right now we are working on it again because of said road trip that wore me down too much.
I am thankful to God for being with us every step of the way and for givings us two more healthy and beautiful children- you would hardly know they were preemies. I am so thankful for my family, friends, and neighbors who all pitched in to help us. I am thankful for a very patient, hardworking husband who is a great provider and daddy and loves me and our children. He stands beside me through it all. I am thankful for my parents who are constantly helping me with the kids and have sacrificed so much for us. I am thankful for a precious doctor who really cares about me. I am thankful that I got help and I am not ashamed in that because I want to be a fully functioning person. I want to be the best wife and mom that I can be and right now this is what it takes and that is okay.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Why?!
I often wish child development classes were mandatory when you have kids. I mean why on earth do those marvelous creations act like getting into their carseats is strapping them down to be waterboarded...even when it is somewhere they want to go?! Their little minds seem so complex and mysterious, but when you understand their development and what is motivating them they suddenly begin to unfold like one of those age appropriate books you read over and over every.single.night.
A few days ago Warrior was being, well, true to her name. She was fighting and mean to us and the babies. Her mood swings were actually worse than mommy's post partum- ha. It was so tempting for me to think that was just HER- her nature and her character, and not only was it HER, but she was acting that way because I've been failing as a mom. Somehow I've already warped her with my own shortcomings and struggles. I mean isn't she just reacting to me? (because Lord knows I'm was so tired and hormonal I was hardly dealing with it gracefully)
And then I catch a glimpse of them like a revelation while she is screaming at me, the tips of those white deamons slicing their way through the flesh of her gums. It probably should have ocurred to me, but in my exhaustion I swear I didn't even think of it until I saw them that she was getting her 2nd year molars through finally. Suddenly heaven opened up and the weight of my guilt evaporated into the realization that my baby was just in pain and miserable and she probably does not even know why, which would be scary too. I grabbed my teething battle gear (because she has always had a hard time with it) and armed with chamomille and herbal calcium and the rest of my arsenal, I proceeded to fight FOR my baby instead of WITH her. Just knowing why made a huge difference in how I was able to handle her.
Lord give me the patience to stop and look and listen to my children. Let me hear what they do say and what they can not say, but plead to me with their eyes and wail through their tears. Give me wisdom to understand their develpment and the ability to meet the needs that You have designed me to as their mom. In Jesus name, Amen.
A few days ago Warrior was being, well, true to her name. She was fighting and mean to us and the babies. Her mood swings were actually worse than mommy's post partum- ha. It was so tempting for me to think that was just HER- her nature and her character, and not only was it HER, but she was acting that way because I've been failing as a mom. Somehow I've already warped her with my own shortcomings and struggles. I mean isn't she just reacting to me? (because Lord knows I'm was so tired and hormonal I was hardly dealing with it gracefully)
And then I catch a glimpse of them like a revelation while she is screaming at me, the tips of those white deamons slicing their way through the flesh of her gums. It probably should have ocurred to me, but in my exhaustion I swear I didn't even think of it until I saw them that she was getting her 2nd year molars through finally. Suddenly heaven opened up and the weight of my guilt evaporated into the realization that my baby was just in pain and miserable and she probably does not even know why, which would be scary too. I grabbed my teething battle gear (because she has always had a hard time with it) and armed with chamomille and herbal calcium and the rest of my arsenal, I proceeded to fight FOR my baby instead of WITH her. Just knowing why made a huge difference in how I was able to handle her.
Lord give me the patience to stop and look and listen to my children. Let me hear what they do say and what they can not say, but plead to me with their eyes and wail through their tears. Give me wisdom to understand their develpment and the ability to meet the needs that You have designed me to as their mom. In Jesus name, Amen.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Introduction to a Dictatorship (blog disclaimer)
Just beware, I'm writing my first post at midnight with one thumb, on my phone, while I am nursing for the umpteenth time today. That's how I roll...and sometimes the only chance I have.
So let me explain myself and my title. If I had to choose one word to describe myself, I and anyone who knows me well, would say "dramatic". It's the way I was created and I'm certain God has a reason for it, though I may drive you and myself nuts. I am also passionate. What I feel, I feel with my whole heart- good or bad. I don't like to do anything halfway or start and not finish. I am honest, usually an open book. I care for others.
What I believe in and love, I will fight for...even die for some...but not debate, that is different. If you want to debate, find my husband or someone else who enjoys it. That is not what this page is for. This is a dictatorship. I write for an outlet, because a few people have been asking me to, because of a smidgeon of hope that my journey might help someone else. You are invited to join me, but please do use manners. Even my Warrior (2-yr-old) has great manners at times.
I know it can be hard as many things I believe and do are controversial at times, including how I parent and my Christian beliefs. We all parent differently and have to do what works for our family. That is ok. God also calls me to love. Period. I stand firmly on what I believe, but I never wish harm or suffering on someone who believes and lives differently than I do. I will never bash you for disagreeing with me and I ask the same respect. I care deeply about anything you are going through and what you are passionate about and believe in (even more so, why you do); I just don't debate or have time for haters. Remember, I am a busy mom of 3 age 2 and under. Sometimes I don't get a shower, rarely have time for make-up, and I can make an occasional spelling and grammar error due to exhaustion. Hey, it happens. That is what grace is for.
Thank you so much for joining me, to this who support me. Much love and peace to you and yours. (Now the rest of my posts can be nicer ones, right?!)
Lindsey~
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